Untitled--11.

11.
I didn’t want to have to talk about this because I had hoped that we could keep it a secret ritual. It seems that you’ve been going for a long time now. But you were wife and mother and it seems so rare that anyone sings those praises anymore. You were once studying to be a doctor. But you were too beautiful. That’s what my mom always said. And now we are here, going through this.

We review names. You are Doina. I am your granddaughter, not your daughter. Your daughter is over there. Your other daughter lives far away. Maybe she had the right idea in that. Time is ticked by bodily functions. Time doesn’t matter now. Maybe it never did. It was only one particular way, to always be pressing forward with time.

You watch Jimmy Stewart movies and fear-based news. I wonder if the news keeps you alive, or maybe just paying attention. I wouldn’t want to be paying attention right now. I wonder if you actually remember the movies or if you are watching them for the first time. How is your memory actually working right now? Are we vague shadows? Sometimes there is more than a glimmer of recognition, and you are right here. Then other times you have no words at all. When we are on the phone I can tell that you have no idea how to orient yourself


But the time changed again. And one day I will be back here with someone else. I don’t want to think about that day right now. But it will exist, and I may not know what to do. It may be only me there. It’s getting late now. I need to go. And soon you’ll have to go, too.

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