Seeds, Dead Seeds

My writing wants to get out so badly right now. I suppose it will do so at any cost.

There are a number of things going on right now.

My grandmother just passed, and this week/past week is the anniversary of two significant deaths in my circle in the past. So many thanks to everyone right now for their condolences and thoughts.

Too much news of people sick and in the hospital. Not ok with that at the moment.

I would like to walk towards the future I want, but I know how the Negative Ego works. Lots of obstacles in my way now, including physical. I hope not severely physical. I should find out tomorrow. Much has shifted, much has changed. The expulsion of all things that don’t serve me happened. An alcoholic whom I supported for too long is moving away (geez, when your exes are right about you, that’s depressing.)

On occasional days, that thorn sticks in my side. That I was too depressed for this, or too unfriendly for that, too hard to work with, too much, too little. Sometimes you need to raze everything to the ground so that the standards are low again, and then rebuild. Is that what I really said? Yes, it is. Start from zero. Some people I know just gave it all away and walked away entirely. Look for people who don’t hate you yet. At least one person out there knows what I’m talking about and he and I aren’t friends anymore.

Love is in the air. Love is in my heart. Sometimes I think that people need to move on to find the next level of love in their lives. Whether that be the peace of death in this body, or moving on from connections. I have had so many close to me say “I wish I could be like you, I wish I could do what you do” and I want to ask what they mean. Cleaning toilets? Living on food stamps for a while? 
Ruining my body to get ahead? Bringing home bedbugs for a passion that doesn’t pay?

I am not a victim. I am never a victim, and as the odds grow larger, my strength to climb them grows, though maybe it might be beautiful to have the liberty of slowing down one day. That may never be available, so I’ll burn brightly now. For everyone who’s gone ahead of me, too.


Don’t worry, my loves. Don’t worry. There will be no progeny. Your sickness dies with me.

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