Hurt Me Daddy, for I Have Blogged

22. I wanted to not have to tell your story because I wished that it could have been a secret ritual between all of us. A beautiful passing, where once people stood and then the sands erased away. But you were wife and mother, and this is the other side of that, where it’s important to speak about you. So infrequently are those praises sung. I must tell of what you did. We lived a life. Yes, that I know. But you did so much more than that. And you are funny, witty, full of pointed statements. I must bring that to the center as well. I never want anybody to forget that. Parting pains us but I know that there will be other times when I will feel your jokes right there. Passing humor. Passing time. We recognize the timeframes now, still. We mark the passage of time with bodily functions. Those are still ticking well. You watch fear-based news, but now with the sound off. Most of the time with the sound off now. Maybe the tv is for the rest of us now. I can’t tell. I don’t think you ...

21. I wanted to see if I could get away with not talking about this because I didn’t want anybody to know. I wanted it to not be a big deal, that I could wake up one day and tell people that you had passed but that it wouldn’t be any kind of a drawn-out process, that there wouldn’t be any pain, that you might just sleep. But you were wife and mother and those facts seem to push me towards speaking of what you did. Beautiful and wise. These stations are not praised appropriately, still. We tick the time with your bodily motions, your words. We review names. You are Doina. I am your granddaughter. Your daughter is there with you, she is my mother, your other daughter lives far away but is going to call you on the phone. There are classic movies playing in the background. I wonder if you understand any of them. At least they seem to have stopped with the fear-based news. I wonder how much you perceive now and whether or not you understand me but I am fairly sure that you do. It i...

20.  I wanted to not have to talk about this if possible. But you were wife and mother and those praises go unsung for so long that I have to tell people about this. This work has value. But I had hoped that this could be some secret ritual between us all, since there are only women of our blood left now. Sadly it is not to be the case. It seems that towards the end, the players increase and the handlers must be educated if anything is going to feel compassionate. You still watch classic movies, but I don’t know whether you know anything that’s taking place. Maybe it is just good background noise to distract from the deathly silence. But you always did like TV. That makes me happy, I suppose. I heard that you had stayed up for so long talking about people who had passed years ago, whom you hadn’t spoken about in years. We tick the time based on your kidneys now, knowing full well that your discomfort is increasing. Maybe the movies are for us, too. Maybe we don’t want you to ...

19. I wanted to not have to talk about this because I thought it could be avoided. I wanted to not have to talk about this because I wanted it to be a secret. But you were wife and mother and those praises go so unsung. I want everyone to know, but I want nobody to know. I hate that you blamed yourself. “I was jealous” you said of your first husband. How embarrassing, that we would say this now. How unjust to you. I wish I could go back and tell you that in that moment. I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday. She said you were awake for 40 hours talking to people who had passed. As if this were a matter of practice. And then we thought it was going to happen, but it didn’t. A race against the proverbial clock or the opposite of that, whatever that is. Waiting. You watching classic movies still, or at least that still plays in the background. I don’t know whether you hear or understand anything now. I feel like I might now what day it will be almost, almost. Who fucking knows. ...

18. I wanted to not talk about this, to avoid talking about this for now. But I will need to tell somebody eventually. You are leaving us. You were wife and mother, and that story is so important. I found out that you were second in three generations of single mothers, at least those who experienced a brief period of single motherhood. That needs to be spoken to somebody. You blamed yourself for your first marriage failing. That broke my heart to hear. Now we try to go over the easy things. Your name. I am your granddaughter, this is your daughter. Your other daughter lives far away, in another country. You may not remember her at all sometimes. The veil gets thinner. You ask for your parents. You watch classic movies. I wonder how much of them you truly understand. Do you have your English at all still? I remember all the other relatives lost theirs before they went. With Gapa, speaking was too difficult at the end. But it’s getting late, and I need to go soon. You need to ...

Icky Mal Done urba droogy waiting for sundown to pick pocket and lye Willy Collar Takey sleazeboy pelvic examination, in toadstool cherries I said today gamine noted with sherry shorn shorthair The neutralized simpletons, he say he say, putting his fingerless gloves on He kiss his lady and he kiss his man, but he faithful he is, just like that tart Elle, she too smart for the schoolmen Mama Punchy and her trim wallets, the Professor, that lout, and Gypsy J. Frances. There her real country. Yeah I said it right. Ellie she stagger like Helena Bonham Carter all mood-whacked wild and breast hanging out in public like the boring girls, writing on tablet like a scribe, nonsense nobody from here can read or write Icky Mal, so impeccably clean, though his bode smell like taxidermy, and no noodles to waste him he on rich man’s gruel these days, so jealous this borough of killers is All the ladies leave him obscene though so fly by night gent; I knowed ...

17. I wanted to not have to talk about this. Maybe I thought that part of me could simply ignore it, that if I didn’t speak about it, all these things wouldn’t be true. But you were wife and mother and those are the most unsung praises of all. I learned that you were second in a line of single mothers, too. How strange that that could be common even then. And you tried to blame yourself for your first marriage not working. “I was jealous,” you said. This stunned me most of all. We review names. I don’t even know if you understand what time it is anymore. We try to go easy this time. I am your granddaughter. She is your daughter. Your other daughter lives very far away right now. Time is ticked by the ability of your insides to cooperate. That is how it works now. You still watch classic movies. But I wonder if you know at all what’s going on in them. Are you losing your English, or can you just not find it well anymore? I wonder about that too, about the extent of the confusion. ...