Sad Clown at World's Edge
Today I'm a little bit of sad clown.
I'm emerging on the other side of a portal during which I was reminded of the radical self-honesty that I cannot be so much of what many people who used to be close to me need right now. I thought my life through fascism would be expansive and community-oriented as it was for my ancestors who did this, but instead it feels prejudiced, limited and small. It's little like what life was like 6 or 10 years ago for me and I try to steer sharp pivots as the waves of destructive capitalism fling me. Were soothing words friends gave me just a few months ago even still applicable? Likely not.
It is another era of un-minimizeable mass death. I witness from the edge and try to make laughter, art and music, but they are small because I am small-minded. I could not be what many needed. I eat candy and food that doesn't agree with my body like I used to smoke cigarettes. You should reuptake smoking for pleasure if you haven't yet.
My grandmas on both sides were both very humorous, witty, smart but also sad people. I think I understand it now, perhaps at a younger age than they did.
I can only try to meet the moment, but these times are an important & strong reminder that we will fail continually in being who others needed, just because the waves of time changed and moved. In my head I'm a joking untie but in some others' I'm a name & pronouns and infantilized person who has nothing to do with the middle-aged adult I feel like within myself. Artists aren't children, I say. They're necessary parts of societies but just like SW, people don't really feel that all the way down to the nitty gritty.
I'm at peace. Many of us are meeting this moment by failing so much more than anticipated. I am failing too. I harm people regularly just by my default thoughts, ideas, when I go along with others not wearing a mask indoors. I know, actually my worst trait is that I am cruel. I know enough to make deliberate choices. It happens, but is rare that I do things out of ignorance.
I'm emerging on the other side of a portal during which I was reminded of the radical self-honesty that I cannot be so much of what many people who used to be close to me need right now. I thought my life through fascism would be expansive and community-oriented as it was for my ancestors who did this, but instead it feels prejudiced, limited and small. It's little like what life was like 6 or 10 years ago for me and I try to steer sharp pivots as the waves of destructive capitalism fling me. Were soothing words friends gave me just a few months ago even still applicable? Likely not.
It is another era of un-minimizeable mass death. I witness from the edge and try to make laughter, art and music, but they are small because I am small-minded. I could not be what many needed. I eat candy and food that doesn't agree with my body like I used to smoke cigarettes. You should reuptake smoking for pleasure if you haven't yet.
My grandmas on both sides were both very humorous, witty, smart but also sad people. I think I understand it now, perhaps at a younger age than they did.
I can only try to meet the moment, but these times are an important & strong reminder that we will fail continually in being who others needed, just because the waves of time changed and moved. In my head I'm a joking untie but in some others' I'm a name & pronouns and infantilized person who has nothing to do with the middle-aged adult I feel like within myself. Artists aren't children, I say. They're necessary parts of societies but just like SW, people don't really feel that all the way down to the nitty gritty.
I'm at peace. Many of us are meeting this moment by failing so much more than anticipated. I am failing too. I harm people regularly just by my default thoughts, ideas, when I go along with others not wearing a mask indoors. I know, actually my worst trait is that I am cruel. I know enough to make deliberate choices. It happens, but is rare that I do things out of ignorance.
I do not hope or assume that I'll stay alive, free, sustained. I now feel whatever impending thing my grandma felt. The one who went to prison. So I will go forward til I can't anymore. I'll greet each day curious and playful, but knowing the farce.
You fantasized about the Star Wars character you were, but you never guessed that you'd fail to meet the moment. Shame is an unfortunately foreign emotion for me, but I do feel grief when I know I could not be the one that others needed.
You fantasized about the Star Wars character you were, but you never guessed that you'd fail to meet the moment. Shame is an unfortunately foreign emotion for me, but I do feel grief when I know I could not be the one that others needed.
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