On Music

Man, I wish I had both more pride in and just more application of myself to making music. Since elementary school I've sung, plucked, played hit slapped some kind of instrument in my hands feeling like a weird drooling chaos muppet but I feel like it's just because I had immigrant parents and that's what they force you to do.

I like music-making as a creative, wild child,"be-in" kind of activity but I wish I had more actual pride and art and seriousness in it. Even when I did cultural shit I just felt like I was slapping stuff neurospicily for fun and hobbies, not to bring nuance or culture or infotainment awareness or betterment anywhere (which is guess at least in relationship to folk cultures I suppose is relevant, it's a part of life, not some hoity toity people onstage who go to universities for music like my stepfamilies, not that they are hoity-toity).

Like for me music is just a way of chaotically moving through the world, but I don't feel like I bring any art or elevation to it, and I wish I had the level of pride or seriousness in it where I did it honor like that, but I just don't because all that crap is what immigrant parents put on you about it and it's not organic.

I dunno. I wish music moved me to play it like dance or comedy writing did, which seems like a luxury problem to have. But I feel like if I thought about my relationship to music differently, a lot of things would be different for me.

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