Don't Think Twice, It's Alright

 I have made a strong decision for my wellbeing right now. This particularly relates to supporting metaphysical co-business owners/entrepreneurs,  I will not be giving my energy any further,  to people who have difficulty standing in community with me as a fellow human.

If that is potentially toxic or emotional blackmail, I am open to and ok with that. If you think I am acting exhausting, I might be. But this is also in alignment with what I need right now.


I know that I can be problematic and difficult to deal with. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I have muted and tamped down a side of myself for too long-- that I am an ethnic-American.
In the 80s and 90s if you were light-skinned it was the legacy of just being whte and wanting to blend in. Well, my relationship to that has changed and honestly this identity has created problems for me through my entire life. I would actually compare it to some peoples’ versions of transness—the constant inability to get true confirmation for how you feel inside because your outsides don’t match your insides. No, this is not some unhinged Dolezal shit. It is about considering the fact that there are sides of me I just never talk about. That parts of me and my lived experience feel constantly flattened in a lot of discussions. To live in an assimilated world where you almost never can flesh that out, properly articulate it or find a lot of expression for it besides resonating with other kids of immigrants, can be heartbreaking at times.


This is also NOT me trying to assert that I had anything but the upbringing I did. While it wasn’t moneyed privilege all the time, I never lacked and it certainly was access even where there might not have been legacy financial privilege at every moment. But I’m sure my parents knew that on some level in choosing their zip code, too.


Additionally, per my original thought here, I’ve been in multiple situations where people I cared deeply for are somehow able to accept the “me” that’s in relationship to my current primary partner, but somehow cannot accept me as a solo, messy-ass individual with all my quirks. At least, that is the message that has come across via some of these behaviors. Once I had an entire interaction with an ex-friend pre-panny where she was apologizing profusely for unfriending me on FB when she just meant to unfollow me, because I hung out with and posted pictures with people she didn’t care for. Yet kept hanging out with and being friends with others who did the exact same thing, for socially advantageous reasons.


My inner child feels hurt right now. I am tired of feeling like an out of sync pariah even in social groups that I’m “supposed” to resonate with or otherwise resonate with. I don’t know how to heal this. 35 years in therapy have not helped, and it feels like it has changed the sensations in my body very little, around this topic.


Shit happens, and things fall apart, love fades, but I still do not have satisfactory answers as to why I can track this pattern regarding the person who I am, particularly per deep relationships and friendships. And I while I know very well how to grant people mercy, patience and time, I think there are some people who close me off, and I absolutely just can’t explain why to you. And I know that trying to dig down to “why” is often a pointless endeavor, too.


I am grieving. I am also tired of apologizing. I often wish for a lot of this ego shit to not be in the way. I feel like this is a wound that bleeds from time to time. Gotta make art out of it, I guess.

I know that life is not tit for tat and that mutual support is not possible at every single moment. But no more "community aid" where they divest from even humanizing me or trying to understand where I am coming from. My heart doesn't have that available anymore.