On Naming Intracommunity Harm (Part 2) and Transforming Justice

 

Your regular reminder that terminologies can often become weaponized. Neutral terms can have guilt and shame instilled into them by events and actions that are not your doing. Words like “community” can become weaponized in the name of cultish harmony at all costs, when we constantly forget that a diversity of approaches, life experiences, ways of thinking and ways of being in our bodies are how most amalgamations of people and other living things operate.

And honestly? Speaking from that school of hard knocks bullshit? A level of discernment around this subject is really important. And it’s exceedingly important in organizations that employ top-down power structure, because powerful people can alter definitions on a whim. They can and will change the rules on you.

You are not harming community if you come forward and speak out about harm. You are not harming community when you try to pull an uncomfortable conversation forward. You are not harming community when you center victims. People should be allowed their own independent agency to choose to deal with a personal situation that involved them how they wish, and this can bring with it some nuance for friends who are quick to defend. I have found it is better to directly ask or follow an explicitly communicated directive about the action the harmed person(s) want taken. But lot of our social defaults in dominant North American Euro-derived culture teach people to shut up and play nice at all costs, and this is wrong and destructive, allowing harm to fester and fostering greater desire for punishment when the harm comes to light.

So if anyone ever tries to shame you by weaponizing concepts like “community,” just remember that most of these are value-neutral ideas, and it is nobody's obligation to conform or do anything the same way as anyone else.

Also, people saying stuff to you like “you can say or do whatever you want to but that reflects on you,” while not untrue, is a method of silencing people. Do not allow that to get into your head. Sometimes doing the right thing is difficult, and sometimes blowback will indeed come down on you, and sometimes in life you need to steel yourself for these types of outcomes. While I prefer talking stuff out, working things out in process and asking people why they hold certain beliefs, a lot of the time the block button is your buddy, too. Sometimes people will also completely disregard your input in favor of the need to portray you in a negative light, because they don’t want to admit that they misstepped, boundary-violated or might’ve been in error. If you encounter this type of extremism in a situation, it might be best to just walk away until the other person figures it out, if they ever do.

Resource yourself with tools that will enable you to remain calm in heightened/high-stress situations. I don’t have a thing to recommend that works for everybody easily, besides knowing what your defaults are.