Untitled--25.

25.

I wanted to not have to talk about this because I think that people expect grief to vanish into the wind like a will o’ the wisp and I think they don’t expect grief to happen very much before a person dies. I don’t care what other people think, but these are the stupid and painful truths of our society. We try to hide death and I wanted to lay a blanket over the process. We hate process. All we want are results, now. With Ticu there were expectations. A few weeks in the hospital, then this, then this. With you, your body hangs on, stronger than your mind and your voice. I remember all those dark and stubborn moments with you, whereas Gapa was pure sun. I know your life was hard. You were wife and mother and nobody ever speaks of the nobility of that station. You made people. How can this job be forgotten?

We tick the time with bodily functions and nurse visits. The clock no longer exists, but it seems to exist more than ever now. We know exactly what to do, but we have no idea what to do. I hear my mother using that phrase a lot. We still watch fear-based news and classic movies. I never knew whether they were on for you or your caretaker. We certainly don’t want the silence of death. There must be something to distract, some stimulus for the plant to continue reaching towards the sun. All we do is turn you now. You did stop walking. I remember when everything changed. So much change lately. All we can do is change. No more talking, just thinking and seeing. Maybe voice coming through, too. I don’t know.  Your breathing is shallow. We don’t review names anymore. We just say things to you in hope that we are not screaming into a void.

I will be back here again someday with someone else. I don’t know who. I don’t want to think about it because I tend to freeze up in situations like this. How my mother managed it, I don’t know. How anyone of my generation will ever have the skill to know what to do in this situation, I have absolutely no idea. But the time changed. Hours have passed and I need to go. I hate that I need to go. You need to be going, too. Better for you now, I think. I hope you rest well. I love you. Please rest well. Memory Eternal.