12-year-old me, 30th anniversary edition

 I think today in therapy I did a lot of what the kiddos call "inner child healing."


I honestly think I turned out a person who doesn't suck. It's a time in history when it feels harder and harder to stand by one's principles. Not only that but the ability to give a nuanced "no thanks, that's not for me" rather than railing against a situation. But also deliberately picking what I will and won't support.

That 12-year-old me was ok and right. Everything does suck and the world kept being unfair and not ok. But then I started reading about all the civil conflicts going on and I really think it's more important than ever to have repair, conflict mediation and reconciliation skills inside of, for and by marginalized people communities. I saw what tore us apart just before and during early panny. And I don't want to do it anymore. I want better solutions but with strong boundaries that honor harm done and don't pretend that something never happened, but that give people chances for repair, without entitlement or force.

I'm grateful that I was taught discernment. I'm grateful that I was taught the stories of the people before me and also of the chosen subculture people before me, of whose lineage I'm part of, too. I'm grateful that I'm pretty much unbullyable and uncancelable because I try my very best not to carry too much pride with me. We all need to be right-sized. We all can reach for possibly seeing a certain matter another way, but can also refuse to be manipulated, swayed or gaslit. I am grateful for my strength under adverse and volatile conditions in the past. My strength under those conditions when my brain wasn't even fully formed yet.

12-year-old me was a badass. I want to tell that to any kid who feels alone or scared or unseen because they're too much a tapestry of too many eclectic things that might look misleadingly one specific way on the surface.

The world often can't witness us in our fullness, but when it does, we are a little more free.

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